5th of July

"What's the date tomorrow?" Dad asked me while he wrote something on a piece of paper.
"5th of July" I answered, without thinking much about it at first, then a tiny little bell rang in a dark forgotten corner of my brain.

5th of July.
Tomorrow I'll be completing a whole year since my break-up.
Wow.

I smiled.
I actually smiled!
I have come a long way.

I thought about him then. Not in a yearning sort of way, but just a flitting-thought sort of way. I wondered where he was, if he was alright, if he was happy. I hoped he was. Hoped he wasn't carrying any baggage. (Even if he did, I know he would never, ever let it show...).

I have come a long way indeed...

P.S. This reminds me, I haven't posted about my recent trip to Theobroma! (Now, how could I have forgotten? Maybe I was just too busy, maybe it just didn't matter that much anymore...). Well anyway, here it is- I visited Theobroma on the 27th of June, Saturday. Theos is the place where I broke up... I LOVE Theos since it serves the best desserts ever! What a pity I had to break up there... so for a while I avoided that place. Then when I was ready to visit it, I couldn't find the time to go there..until the 27th! :)
It felt great!

Anchor

There was once a girl and a boy.

They loved their friends,

and they loved their work.

Though both were busy living their lives,

they were lonely at some point.

One fine day without reason or cause,

they held each others’ hands.

Their lives went on just the same,

except for a tiny change.

Since now their hands were always held,

There was a relief they both felt.

And in that sea of their real lives,

they anchored with their hands,

enjoying the moment for a while.

The girl knows not for how long that moment did last

nor does the boy.

But one fine day

without a solid reason or cause,

he let go without much of a pause.

The girl tried to hold his hand again,

the boy did not refuse,

but his hands were cold,

this time,

they lacked that old warmth.

So the girl let go too,

knowing it was futile to,

renew that which had already sailed away.

In time she would sail again too,

But not before a tear or two

had been shed.

Liking a guy.

And liking the idea that you like a guy

Are two seperate things.

Or, are they?

And just out of nowhere,
the answer emerges,
stares at you in your face.

There it is. As clear as day.

You are left with no choice but to accept it.
Gulp it in and let it course through your veins;

and carry it with you wherever you go.

I Have Arrived

It was exactly a year ago...I was anxious about him shifting to Mumbai, I was thrilled from just the prospect of him shifting right here, in my very own city, praying that everything works out well and he comes here...Was so vulnerable then, things happening miles apart decided my mood for the day. I was nothing but a bundle of emotions bouncing around.

Its been a year, yes, and now finally I can talk about it and smile! There is no regret about all that happened, or didn't happen, no qualms about anything. I can talk/blog openly about it and not feel my stomach squirm. Because the period of intense numbness has gone. This numbness caused me to think that whatever happens, just let it happen, I don't give a damn! That I shall not be hurt or sad if some guy in the future doesn't like me back. I slipped into a period of insensitivity to banish all emotions and just be me, plain and bland. I cultivated this numbness so that I could make some kind of protective sphere around me; a sphere that made me feel I am immune to pain.

I shed that protective cocoon today.

I am ready to feel again! I am ready to set forth on another adventure, to take another plunge!

Cheers To Singledom

It felt a lot like being pushed into a cold stormy night with no protection from the frigid weather. It was cold, bitter and it hurt. Boy did it hurt...

But I am slowing growing used to it now. Yes, it can get a bit lonely at times. More so when you stumble on an old memory; a cd he gave, a song he loved, a place we visited together, an old email... For just a few moments you are back in the warm sunshine away from all the pain. And then the next moment you realise the warmth is not real anymore, that you are just imagining things. And before you know it, you are back in the rains again. But then, you get used to it after a while; the flip-flop, flip-flop. The cold-sunshine, cold-sunshine routine. And it doesn't hurt as much. It reaches a point where it's bearable.

And surprisingly, I think I could get used to this thing. This footlooseness. There is a thrill in being all alone, I think it's even giving me a high.

I am slowly settling down in this stormy weather; snuggling in the cold, and learning to just enjoy the rain...